For the dogs

I've been laying here since around 5 am wide awake.  I was woke up my out smallest dog, Misty, scratching on the wall.  When I got awake enough, I realized she had become wedged, on her back, between the mattress and the wall.  I pulled her out and she went and laid back down.  Of course at this point I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back asleep.  Zack would have to get up in around an hour for work and Troy would be home shortly after that.  Here, any movement stirs a barking frenzy.  I managed to tip toe to the bathroom and got there with no barking and only one follower...Misty.  When I came back to the bedroom, my spot had been taken.  Lucy, our lab mix, had taken the spot where my feet should go, Mack, a sheltie, had taken my pillow, and Baxter, the great Dane had taken all the space in between.  I managed to slide in beside them all and Misty took her spot above my head.  And I just laid here.  Within a few minutes everyone moved around a bit.  One went to the floor, two went to Troy's side of the bed and Baxter...he turned sideways, burrowed under my legs and fell back asleep with his nose in the bend of my knee and his legs wrapped around mine. 

I went to bed last night without a blanket or sheet.  I wore sweats and socks and had a space heater running.  You see, Baxter has a habit of wadding up the blanket, putting a big amount in his mouth and sucking on it...a strange habit that we can't seem to break him from doing.  So, yes, I have been changing my sleep routine so that our blind and deaf great dane can sleep with me. Crazy? Of course, but, I wouldn't have it any other way.  He will only be here for a fraction of my life.  And, while he is "just a dog" to most, he's part of our family. 

To get a better picture of our living arrangements, you have to realize that the 4 dogs in my room are not the only ones we have.  Koda sleeps with Zack or Kyle and the other 4 take the living room   Yep, a total of 9!  Three are stray, they found us and stayed, Baxter came from an abusive home, one was picked up from someone giving them away on Walmart parking lot, 2 are from a litter of puppies that my sister raised (1 deaf) and 2 were born here. 

I'm told on a regular basis that I should find homes for some of our dogs...why? They have a home.  Our dogs sleep with us, protect us, and they love us when we are not feeling well.  I have dogs at my feet when I am in the bathroom, when I'm cooking and when I'm watching tv.  Troy says I voodoo them into liking me better...I don't do anything different than I do for anyone else in my life.   I treat them with respect, I love them, I talk to them and I just let them be dogs...

Baxter rearraged again and stretched all the way across under my legs.

It didn't last long, Zack left for work and all the other dogs woke up.  I got to get up...I have 9 4-legged babies bouncing around needing to go out.  

Scream Eggs

Seriously? I can't pass these up at Easter time, and now here they are at Halloween time...thanks Cadbury...

A Down Day

Last night, we had our yearly lab testing done at Troy's work.  It's absolutely not my favorite thing to do, but, unfortunately, it's required by our insurance company.  On a positive side, comparing my weight from this year to last year at the same time, I'm 39 lbs lighter.   My total weight loss since April 23, 2012 is 47.6 lbs...I actually gained weight since last year's testing and then lost it..thank goodness.  I have a terrible problem seeing any change in myself.  I went through a period when I felt awesome and I could, at that time feel a difference.  Today (and the past couple of weeks), I feel awful.  I'm down and depressed, I feel hopeless, worthless and seem to be a failure.  Troy's employer has tons of windows in their entrance.  I'm appalled to see my reflection at this point.  I wanted to be so much further in my weight loss journey, and I wanted to maintain my motivation...but both are slipping.  Inside, I'm lost and empty and I'm embarrassed for Troy to have to be seen with me...he deserves so much better.   The sad thing is that I know better, I know he loves me regardless of what size I am, but actually believing seems nearly impossible for me. I still have around 100 lbs to lose... and I know I have to stick with this.  I just wish I could accept me for who I am, for the person God made me and stop trying to fit into the mold that I THINK everyone else wants me to fit in.  Tomorrow's a new day...and hopefully a better attitude.

All Wet

This morning I had to do chores for mom and dad.  Dad was scheduled to cook breakfast at church and mom is in Montana.  We haven't gotten rain here in weeks, but of course on my day to do chores it pours. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it rained.  As you can tell, the pasture NEEDS the rain..I just didn't need it quite as bad.

Me and Miss Kitty, their Great Pyrenees tried to take cover under the trees.  Contrary to what the cows think, the trees do very little good in keeping you dry.  We tried 3 different kinds of trees and still got wet under each one.  Finally, we gave up and made a run for the chicken barn, but we were already drenched.  I slid in the mud and smashed my elbow into the door facing, which is better than the alternative of missing the door facing and falling on my face in the mud!

By the time I finished chores and walked back to the office, I was literally dripping.  Kitty curled up under a table in the office and went to sleep.  I locked up and headed home...freezing all the way there.  

Caitlyn...An Accident just Waiting to Happen

We made a late night trip to Branson last night to pick up Caitlyn.  Evidently, she was walking across the parking lot and stepped in a hole.  She twisted her ankle in the process and was afraid it was broken.  We made it down there just before midnight, loaded her up and headed back home.  Troy drove her truck so she would be able to drive back if all was well with her ankle.  This morning, I took her to urgent care and had her checked out.  The doctor put her in a boot because the x-rays showed a possible fracture and set her up with an orthopedic doctor.  

She hates having her picture taken...but I did it anyway.

It's a Good Day!

This is me...today.  It's a good day!  I've lost a total of 36.8 lbs and 17 total inches in just over 100 days! Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing any difference, but obviously, things are changing.  This morning, I was getting ready to leave for work and kissed Troy goodbye...he wrapped his arms around me and said ummm....guess what I'm doing...his hands were touching in the back!  Honestly, I don't know how long it's been since he's been able to reach around me..I'm going to guess it's been years.  I'm in a good place in my life right now...and only headed for even better places.

Seriously! 250 Miles?

I got an email this morning from my fitbit.  It turns out that since May 12, I have logged 250 miles of walking!  Oh my gosh...that's a lot of walking!  It's only 30 miles short of walking all the way to the Iowa state line!  

We get to see Caitlyn!

We were able to see Caitlyn yesterday!  It's been 2 weeks since she moved out.  She had a couple of comp tickets so she took us to Silver Dollar City also.  I'm so excited for her.  She seems so happy, she genuinely looks like she is enjoying life right now.  I wish she was able to get an apartment, but for now her and Brent are cozy in an extended stay motel.  To me, it seems cramped, but to them it is affordable...and as Brent told me.."they have to start somewhere."  It had been years since we visited Branson mostly because it's so expensive for 5 of us to go.  Caitlyn had been asking us to come so she would have someone to ride the rollercoasters with her...that would be Troy and Kyle...not me!  It's so hard to believe that she is growing up.  Last time we were in SDC, she wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom by herself and now, she has the run of the place daily.  We ate lunch at the Lumbercamp restaurant where she works and spent the rest of the day going from rollercoaster to water ride and back again.  It's nice to see her smile!

They tried hats on throughout the park...

Kyle and I both sat this one out...Wildfire was a bit to wild...

5th row back...

Kyle and I sat this one out too...

Zack was coaching a rifle camp in Marshall, MO this weekend so he wasn't able to go with us.  After SDC, we took Caitlyn and Brent to dinner at a Mexican restaurant and picked them up a few things the needed from Walmart.  I think leaving her was harder than when she left home, but I'm so proud of the confidence,  independence and responsibility radiating from her...but she will always be my baby girl...

Woo Hoo 31 lbs lost!

Wow...this morning My Fitness Pal told me I had been logging for 80 days and had lost 31 lbs so far!  I'm excited!  I still have 122 lbs to go, but at least I can see some progress on the scale.  Unfortunately, I don't see much difference in the mirror.  I'm going to guess that I will always have a hard time seeing me how I really look.  For now, that's ok.

Alone...

All three kids left early this morning for rifle camp in Marshall, MO...and I'm alone again.  Troy is at work right now and will work tomorrow too.  On Saturday, we will have a completely kid free day..not sure what we will do.  Unfortunately, these times are bitter sweet.  With both older kids moving out within the next 2 months, these alone times tend to panic me.  The reality of the drastic changes coming to our household are almost too much for me to cope with.  Having a kid free weekend used to be something that rarely happened and something that we looked forward to when it did.  Now all it reminds me of is how empty this house is going to be and how different it will be with only 1 kid. 

I'm pretty sure I'll have to figure out how to use an Xbox remote and be taught how to play the games that Zack plays with Kyle.  We'll have to get used to less dishes, less food for meals, less seating requirements at restuarants and a smaller bill, less help, and 2 less drivers for errands.  We'll lose our resident mechanic and our midnight cook that always leaves dishes for me to find the next morning.  Sure, we will still have their insurance payments, their cell phone bill and their "mom can you send money" calls and that's OK.  We've raised very responsible, and mature young adults.  I'm proud to have them as mine.  While I should be enjoying being alone...it only brings tears.  I worry about Kyle and how he's going to deal with being like an only child.  I hope and pray for their safety and their happiness and I hope for lots of visits home.

Yay Me!

As of this morning my scales are down 18.4 pounds!  I'm excited...just 125 more to go!  I skipped out on my walk this morning.  My left hip is really bothering me.  It's not terrible pain, but just enough to cause me to limp.  I'm resting it for now...

Exercise..Exercise..Exercise

This morning I got up determined to try the Xbox Fitness game again.  Unfortunately, there's not enough room so the sensor can't find me the whole time and we have a huge baby that just wants to be held all the time!  Needless to say, I gave up.

I didn't want to break my routine of keeping moving, so I headed out for a walk.  This time, I walked the east side of the tracks with Rudy...not sure if he is much of a guard dog, but he sure makes me feel more at ease to be alone.  

I finished up with about a 2 mile walk...not too bad.

Senior Pictures...

Last night, Caitlyn wandered into my bedroom to tell me he shooting coat and pants should be delivered today.  I told her good...that I wanted to use them in her Senior pictures.  Surprisingly, she said "are you taking them?" It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  She said..."I wanted Summerlin's to do them."  Wow...I didn't know what to say.  I've taken her and her two brother's pictures since they were born and when it comes to Senior pictures, she doesn't want me to do them.  To say the least, I'm hurt.  I didn't say much to her.  I just went ahead and looked Summerlin's up on my phone to see some examples of their work.  Sure, they have fancy, expensive cameras and props, but they charge for it too.  After talking to Troy this morning, I've decided I'm still taking her and Zack's pictures.  She will just have to be upset or disappointed I guess.  Our finances just don't allow that kind of expense when all this time we weren't planning for it because I never thought anything other than I was taking them.  It was a down night...and pretty much a down morning too.

Roses

I stopped to smell the roses today...all of them!

And...things just keep getting worse

I had originally thought that Holly, one of our does, was mourning the loss of Bucky.  Unfortunately, I was wrong again.  At some point yesterday, she had given birth to twins.  I found them in the back of one of their shelters both still in the bags.  Her crying is for her babies...and I still can't help her... I'm pretty sure I'm nearing the limit of what I can handle today.

I've had better days...

I should have know yesterday was going to be a bad day.  The early morning hours seem to be the worst for me.  It's still dark, but not enough time until sunrise to go back to sleep.  I laid this morning running back through all the events of yesterday.  I was jerked from a deep sleep around 3:30am thinking I was dying.  My chest was tight and there was no air to breathe.  I tried to catch my breath but couldn't...I was having another panic attack.  After sitting up, my head was pounding and I couldn't quit crying.  Troy was asleep and had to be up for work in about half an hour.  For some reason, he never heard me.  Eventually the attack passed and I  tried to go back to sleep.  Troy's alarm went off and I think he hit snooze 3 or 4 times before I told him it was after 4.  Since I was awake anyway, he got pancakes before heading to work...probably something I need to do more often for him.  He headed off to work around 5am. I went back to bed.

Within a few minutes, I could hear thunder off behind the house.  After one loud clap, Rudy, bolted from the floor to my pillow and plastered himself to my side.  He trembled for over an hour and a half.  He finally made his way to the foot of the bed and laid down between my feet.  I covered us both up and he calmed down.  We've only had him about 8 or 9 months and had no idea he was that scared of storms. He showed up at our house last summer so skinny you could probably count his bones...every one of them, so we don't know his background.  He's healthy now and has moved to spending most of his time in the house. The next thing I know, it's 9.  I get up and do the whole dogs out, dogs in routine and feed the goats and chickens.  

They just barely had enough time to finish up when another downpour started.  I looked out to see Bucky one of our wethers standing in the rain.  Goats HATE rain.  I went out and moved him to the other part of the yard thinking that the other goats had booted him out of shelter.  I was wrong.  He was acting strange, pulling his head back and staring like he was in a trance.  He had been his normal self, nearly knocking me over for feed, just a short time earlier.  Of course I panic.  I got a hold of Troy during his break at 11:30 and he called to get us into the vet up the road.  Zack had slept in this morning.  I had to wake him up for help.  All this time, Kyle is taking towels out to dry Bucky off.  Bucky had collapsed by now and was laying in the mud, stiffening out often in pain.  We managed to get him in the bed of the truck and went to wait at the vet's office.  Bucky's urinary tract was blocked and he was unable to empty his bladder.  After trying multiple times to make a quick snip to allow it to drain, the vet made a call to another veterinarian.  She came back and told us the only option was a 4 hour trip to the University of Missouri Veterinary hospital for surgery.  But, she didn't think that Bucky would survive the trip there.  I made the decision to have him put to sleep.  I've never had to make that choice, much less been there for the procedure.  I asked what would happen...she said she would hit a vein and administer the meds, then we would take him home to bury.  I cried. I couldn't help it.  His blockage was most likely caused by how we had been feeding them...too much grain.  I felt horrible.  All this time Zack never said anything.  I don't know what he was thinking or how he felt.  I asked what he wanted to do...he shrugged his shoulders.  The vet went to get the meds.  I loved on Bucky and told him I was sorry.  He had been given pain meds, but they weren't working well and he was in a lot of pain.  I watched as she put the needle in and hit the vein.  I put my hand on his face and rubbed his neck and watched his life slip away...and I cried.  I paid the bill and we drove home.  I parked under a shade tree, covered Bucky up and prayed for no more rain until Troy got home from work.  

Troy and Zack spent nearly 2 hours digging a spot for Bucky.  The other goats were nosey about what was going on.  I expected Ojai to have the most problems with Bucky being gone.  They had been together since they were small.  Ojai kept coming to the fence, but seemed ok.  It was one of our does, Holly, that searched for him.  She cried and went to each door of their shelters looking in for him.  When I went to bed, she was still pacing and crying...and I can't help her. 

On top of our very eventful day, Caitlyn isn't speaking to us because we wouldn't let her drive to see her boyfriend.  They are calling for more severe weather and we didn't feel it was safe for her to be on the road. At 17, she just doesn't see our side of things.  I'm sure she will eventually be ok, but I bet that during her conversation with her boyfriend we weren't talked about very nicely.  Maybe when she gets up today, she'll feel better. Doubtful, but I can always hope!

We are gearing up for more storms this morning, I'm praying for no tornados.  Over 100 were spotted yesterday to the west. It's 8am now, I'm going to nap a bit before they get here...

Reality...

Last night, while shopping for Easter supplies, I broke down and bought myself a new bra...I know, big deal...actually it is.  My hubby and I searched and searched for one through the bra filing system at Walmart.  It's no easy task.  Normally, I would buy one from some plus size clothing store.  My favorite store for bra shopping was destroyed in the tornado last year and I'm left to settle for one from the "normal" people racks.  Being "blessed" in that area has been more of a curse for me than anything.  While some smaller chested people try everything possible to make theirs appear larger, I seriously want mine smaller!  Aside from the pain of carrying around the extra weight, they just aren't what they are supposed to be...nice and firm and placed correctly on my body.  Unfortunately, after breast feeding 3 babies and all the ups and downs of weight gains and losses, mine seem to be more comfortable closer to the ground.  Finding a bra that lifts and supports everything is impossible.  I settled on one.  This morning for church, I wore the new bra.  It felt good, fit nearly right.  Looking down, it seems to have everything lifted close to where they are supposed to be.  Upon having Troy check things out before leaving for church, he claims everything looks good other than trying to smooth out a few wrinkles in the fabric.  I trust him.  I felt good, I tried to walk taller, I tried to look like I knew I looked better.  We went through church, and dinner at my parents house.  My sister took pictures of all us together.  Then the reality of the situation was clear.  After seeing the pictures, I didn't look any better.  And seeing the pictures didn't make me feel any better.  In fact, I felt worse.  And, compared to my sisters, I look worse.  So much for trying to feel good about myself.  It seems that the way I see myself and the way others see me are no where near the same.  I actually see myself better than I look in pictures...reality hurts.

Doctor's appointment.

This morning was my 6 month check up with my doctor.  I was switched to Wellbutrin to help with depression.  I had been on paxil but quit taking it on my own because of the weight gain.  Wellbutrin is supposed to not have the weight gain side effect.  We'll see.  I would really like to feel better about life in general.  The heart palpitations are still ok if I can tolerate them.  The next step is a beta blocker which he says will slow down my metabolism...we don't want that, so I'll tolerate them.  I had gained 5 lbs since my appointment 6 months ago.  I just don't understand...cut out most fast food, stop caffine completely and cut back on everything...and still gain.  I know more exercise may make things better, but sticking with it when I see no improvement is difficult.  The next appointment is in October and they will do blood work then...fun fun.

Springtime

This morning, I had breakfast barefooted outside.  Seriously...I sat on the front steps and enjoyed the sunshine and the view while I ate my frosted flakes.

 I think spring time is one of the best seasons for me.  I love seeing all the trees turn green and the first flowers bloom.  Out here the daffodils are wild.  My guess is that at one time they were part of someones landscape, but now, the pop up in various places in the yard and in the fields around us.  This morning, the irises are in full bloom...well, so far the two purple ones that popped up on either side of the driveway are in full bloom.  I'm sure there are more scattered along the road, but I didn't go look.  

Our mimosa trees are starting to bud also.  They have got to be my most favorite.  I'm not sure what it is about them that facinates me most.  I remember them from when I was a kid.  There were two that were in front of my great grandma and grandpa's house that we used to climb in and there were 2 along the side of my grandma and grandpa's house...we climbed in those too.  My grandpa would tie strings with aluminum pie pans in those trees to scare off the black birds. We also had one in our own backyard, but I don't remember it ever being big enough to climb in. The ones at my great grandparent's were eventually cut down, the trees at my grandparent's we cut down for a new drive way to be put in and the one in our own back yard was cut down too....for a rabbit barn.  The original ones here were big enough that my own kids were able to climb in them.  Unfortunately, after the tornado in 2003, we lost them.  We lost almost all our trees.  The following summer, small mimosas started coming up.  Today, 9 years since the tornado, we have several mimosas at the corner of the driveway, one at the side of the house and several small ones along the road that have survived the county mowing them down season after season.  None are big enough to climb in now, but by the time grand kids come along, they will be there for them.  There is nothing sweeter than the smell of the pink flowers.  They remind me that nothing can keep them from continuing to grow...mow them down, they come back, take them out with a tornado, they come back, bulldoze them to build a new house...and they come back. I try to be the same way...knock me down and I'll come back.  Stronger?  I'm not sure about that yet...but I won't give up.  No matter what life has thrown at me, I'm still here.  Battered and beaten sometimes, but I'm still going.  God made me that way.  He gave me the tools I need...I just have to keep pushing through.  He never said it was going to be an easy road.

I'm on my 4th day of heart palpitations.  These are getting ridiculous.  Of course, I'm trying to self diagnose because I hate going to the doctor.  Plus, I already have a check up appointment scheduled the first of April.  Since I haven't had caffeine for weeks, I've ruled that out.  However I had stopped drinking root beer also and just within the last 2 weeks, I started drinking it again (no willpower).  I'm wondering if the heart palpitations are caused by all the sugar back in my system again. If not, I'm blaming them on stress and anxiety...hopefully.

A couple of nights ago, I laid awake afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to die of a heart attack or stroke in my sleep.  Yep, OCD kicked in...paranoia and all.  I really can't get it off my mind...last night I asked Troy if he would keep all the animals if I were to die.  All he said was "well yes"  nothing further....I'm thinking maybe he has figured out not to play into my panic.  He didn't ask why I was asking or anything.  Weird.

My First Sale!

I had my normal 40 year old emergency bathroom run in the wee hours of the morning somewhere around 2:30am...ugh.  I grabbed my phone from the side table to light the way.  I did what people do nowadays...during the trip...I checked my pocket frogs and then checked my email...lol.  I was surprised to find my very first Etsy sale listed in my inbox!  I stumbled back to bed trying to weigh the consequences of waking Troy so he could share in my excitement.  After a short 15 minutes or so I decided to go for it...I tapped him on the shoulder...he jumped and yelled and scared the dog.  After I shushed him I stuck my way too bright cell phone infront of him to show him the email.  Of course, he couldn't see it, let alone read it...so I whispered to him..."I sold my first picture on etsy." His response..."good job, honey" and he rolled over and was back asleep.  He didn't share in my way to early excitedness, and will probably only vaguely remember me waking him by the time the sun comes up.  I'm not worried about it though, I'll remind him.  For now, I'll lay here in the darkness, with the cat purring across my chest, and enjoy my "success."  Thank you..Ashley in Colorado! You made my day!

Measurin' Me Monday

Well, the week went pretty well.  Sticking with an eating plan seems impossible these days.  I didn't log anything this week.  On a positive note, I am still drinking only water and having salad for almost every lunch.  Today's was salad with fat free ranch dressing, cottage cheese and banana pudding.  Considering that in the past, my lunch would have consisted of some fast food burger and french fries with a large pop, I feel I'm doing pretty well now.

 Hopefully the most of the weight gain was over the weekend and will "go away."  Our anniversary was Sunday and my hubby brought my favorite home for me...Cadbury Cream Eggs!  Of course, I didn't say no...I'm addicted to them. In addition, we had Sunday lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings and I had honey BBQ boneless wings and chips and salsa....not good!  Today's a new day and I have made big changes and I'm content with a slow payoff as long as I'm getting healthier!

Weight Loss Progress: gained 0.8 Lbs...total net loss 0.6 lbs...

Food logging:  Not so good. 

Exercise: None

This is me 2/20/2012.

13th Wedding Anniversary

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary.  It's hard to believe it's been that long.  We've came a long way since our $200.00 wedding at a little wedding chapel!  I'm spending it with our boys since Troy works and Caitlyn is out of town.  After church, we went to have lunch with my parents and sister at Buffalo Wild Wings and then back home to work on building a chicken coop.  It was dark by the time Troy made it home from work, and after a couple of tv shows and leftovers for supper, he headed to bed.  I love his job, but I don't like him working days...he goes to bed way to early! That's it...not a terribly exciting anniversary, but still our anniversary...I'm looking forward to many more years!

Valentines Day

This is out 14th Valentine's Day as a married couple.  Technically it should have been our 20th.  Troy and I met on a blind date in 199O.  He was my first serious relationship...I was 2 months shy of my 19th birthday.  I had only had 3 "dates" my entire time in highschool and all 2 of them were for major school dances and the 3rd for a movie.  I had only been kissed once and that wasn't until late my senior year.  I spent my time wondering what was wrong with me...my twin sister had boyfriends constantly since grade school and married a month after graduation.  I cried a lot.  I was miserable.  I had friends, mostly those that also attended our church...both girls and guys...but we were all just friends.  I was in the top 3 of our class and carried a 4.0 grade point average.  I was in band, math league, was photographer for the yearbook and newspaper...I was one that someone came to if they wanted to copy my assignments...I was in National Honor Society and received an honor diploma at graduation..but what I wasn't was someone that anyone wanted to date.  I felt unattractive.  After graduation, I attended college, but only for a short time.  It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough, I scored high on the ACT and had college paid for.  I was headed toward veterinary school.  My panic got worse..I was having blackouts, severe anxiety in classes, and nightmares.  I kept going at this point. 
My friend that I had known since before I could even walk set me up on a blind date with someone her boyfriend worked with.  We went for dinner and bowling...it was awesome!  And...I was in love...
My anxiety at school got worse.  I dropped to night classes for accounting and eventually drooped out completely.  I was working at a new local restaurant and ended up as shift manager in 1991.  Troy and I started planning our wedding for the next February.  During the fall of 1991, everything fell apart...I broke my vow to myself and ended up afraid that I was pregnant (I wasn't).  Word got back to my parents through a long line of people.  Troy ended up being accused of a number of things (none ended up being true), I was forced to break up with him and was taken to counseling.  I wanted to die! We both went our separate ways..kind of.  A couple of months later I started dating someone I worked with and within a short few months, we were engaged.  We were married in October of 1992.  We had 2 kids, and after a very rocky 5  1/2 years or so, we divorced in May of 1998.  Through a strange turn of events between Troy's sister and my ex-husband, I was put back in touch with Troy.  I met him for lunch during the summer of 1998 and it was like we started back where we had left off nearly 6 years earlier.
We married in February of 1999.  We had our youngest in 2000 and Troy adopted my 2 oldest in May of 2003.  Things haven't been easy, we lost a baby, lost our home in a tornado, Troy lost his job among a long list of everyday difficulties.  We've fought, we've yelled and we've said things to each other that are hurtful. We've been broke, we've had our utilities shut off and we've been short on food.  So far, we've survived.  I believe there is a purpose in everything that we have to face...good and bad.  It still doesn't make it any easier though.  Through everything, Troy as stood by me, he has never left.  He works hard with rarely a complaint.  I know its not easy to live with me, and even in those times when my problems get the best of me, he's always there.  I Love him dearly. And, honestly can't imagine our lives any different.

Measurin' Me Monday

I didn't stick with my eating plan completely this week.  Yesterday we went to Cheddars with my side of the family...I drank root beer instead of water and had cheese fries...ugh.  I have no self control.  On the way home the kids wanted frozen custard...so we stopped for that too...and yep, I ate one too.  I'm beating myself up for it, but it was really good.  Tomorrow's a new day...praying for better decisions on my part.

Weight Loss Progress:  lost 1.4 Lbs...even with cheating!

Food logging:  Not so good.

Exercise: None

 This is me...2/13/2012

Thinkin...

We had a bit of a discussion today at work...me and my sister.  We talked about being able to tell our stories and being able to give our testimony.  We talked about why we can't let go and tell what we know and what we've been through.  I've listened to lots of other stories and have gotten so much from hearing honest, truthful and sometimes heartwrenching stories.  I've come to realize that I don't see myself as someone who "looks" the part.  I see myself as fat, unattractive and uneducated.  I feel that no one would want to see someone like me do much of anything.  I've always been one to sit back and watch and listen to everyone around me.  I do my best to hear tone, watch expressions and listen to words.  My goal...hide...and don't get noticed.  Where has all this gotten me...I'm paranoid...I'm self conscious...and feel pretty worthless most of the time. What's sad is that I do have a story, I do have worth and I am capable of doing whatever I want to do...I just can't get past myself long enough to even come close to accomplishing anything...

Measurin' Me Monday!!

Ok, I've read lots of blogs and one thing seems to be part of pretty much all of them...a PLAN!  With my OCD, I'm thinking that making a plan would be a great idea.  I would have a much easier time sticking with writing if I knew what I was writing about each day.  So, here we go!

I have decided that today is the day to seriously start putting me back together.  To be honest, I can't stand myself, I avoid mirrors, I avoid people and a lot of time I avoid life.  The biggest obstacle in my path is my weight.  My weight is my excuse for EVERYTHING.  I can't dance, I can't sing, I can't go there, I can't talk to them...all because of my weight...and what would they think...and a fat person couldn't possibly be good at something...and there is no way someone else would find something a fat person does as good and acceptable.  Wow...I'm really a mess.  Any one of these things could be my obsession  for the day, the night or for weeks.  I can dwell on one tiny thing that will ultimately make me worthless in my own mind.  I really don't want to be worthless...

All this (plus lots more) brings me to today. I have 47 weeks to lose 100 lbs.  I know that's alot!  The sad thing is that I could stand to lose closer to 150 lbs if you look at all the charts posted all over the internet.  For me, a hundred is good.  I'm not going to post my starting weight now...I'm way too embarrased. If all goes well, I'll post it after I've made some progress.

Almost 6 years ago I participated in a First Place bible study at church.  I lost 65 lbs on that program (and gained it all back).  I'm convinced that having to report back to the group every week kept me motivated. The daily bible study and devotionals were great and the fellowship among our small group hasn't been able to be reproduced since.  I believe there was something special with that group, everything just clicked and the weight came off for nearly every member.  Unfortunately, our church has gone through lots and lots of changes since then and they haven't offered another First Place study.  So, I can't keep living in the past...I have to make today work.

On to Measurin' Me Monday...I will post my progress on Mondays. I have to average 2.1 pounds a week to reach my goal by December 31, 2012.  That's not at all excessive...and I CAN DO IT!  In the past I have used a combination of online, mobile and my own spreadsheets to track my progress.  I was obsessive about it and took daily measurements.  This time, I will only weigh on Mondays and I'm only going to use My Fitness Pal to track my food and excercise.

Today's Weight Progress:  Way too Much to Post here!

Today's Calorie Intake:  Well, I logged 1810 calories...over my 1400, but still not bad.

Today's Excercise: I didn't do any organized exercise, but we did rearrange our office if that counts...

This is me...Today 2/6/2012.

More artsy stuff...

Paintings on 1 1/2 inch wooden nickels.

Today's painting

Never give up

Last night, I was discouraged and depressed.  There are so many things I would love to accomplish, but I keep getting set back by financial and time restraints.  On top of those restraints, I have my own emotional issues to deal with.  Fears of rejection and ridicule fill my every thought.  I'm was to the point that I was ready to just stop trying.  The failure to finished projects and the inability to start others is literally driving me crazy. Somewhere through my endless rambling and sometimes sobbing babbles, Troy says....but "you never give up..." You know...he's right.  Tell me I can't do something and I'll prove you wrong...that's just who I am.  I was told for as long as I can remember that I was able to do whatever I wanted to do, you just have to do it.  And if you do it, do it right, and finished everything you start.  If you fail...try again...that's just the way things were growing up.  What I don't understand is that when we reach adulthood, things change and for some reason eventhough you can still hear those words in your head...putting them in to practice is difficult.  OK...so I can do whatever I want...I can succeed and whatever I set my mind to...it doesn't matter what other people think...my own morals, values and beliefs are what are important...if my God is happy...then I'm happy.  There...I said it...now i just have to figure out how to live it.

Singing...

Our music director has been trying to get ahold of me for several weeks now to get me to sing at church.   I've been avoiding her.  I finally broke down and wrote an email to her explaining my anxiety and OCD and trying to give her a look into why I have such a hard time participating in activities.  I told her that if she hadn't already filled the spot, that I would love to sing.  Strangely enough, eventhough I find it nearly impossible to force myself to function in choir, I find myself extremely comfortable on stage, in front of the whole church...by myself.  Today, I received a text from my mom making sure that I knew that the special speakers tonight would be speaking about their experiences with the tornado. She thought it would help me decide on a song.  Great...even after 9 years, I'm still not over the tornado that we experienced and usually find myself overly emotional.  I struggled with singing a song about getting through the storms of life or going a whole different direction.  Thank goodness a skip on the accompaniment CD made the decision for me.  I settled on "I'll Tell It Wherever I Go."  It has always been one of my favorite songs in both the style and the lyrics.  I've been singing in church for nearly 8 years and have came to realize that it is one of the very few places that I can let everything else go.  No matter what anyone thinks of me, God doesn't care.  He's who I sing for, He's who I feel for, and He's who I cry for when I just can't function any more.  If He lets me touch even one heart in the congregation everything is good.  I'm terrible at taking compliments.  I have a hard time coming up with words to express how I feel, but am unbelievably touched when I hear that the voice that I was blessed with was able to make a difference in someone else's life. 

THERAPY!

 1/15/2012

 1/15/2012

 1/17/2012

1/18/2012

Paint therapy...

Ok, since Troy's painting supplies are scattered on the kitchen table while he's in the middle of painting, I decided I would give it a whirl.  Guess what??  I'm not bad.  Of course, I'm painting on ACEO cards and  I'm sure it's different to paint tiny compared to on a big canvas.  I love the tiny prints...I've done photography ACEO cards and have them on Etsy to sell.  Granted, I haven't sold one single anything on Etsy, but it's fun trying and maybe someday I will.