Social Media and Forgotten Memories...

I've been having a particularly hard time lately.  I'm just not feeling up to par at all.  Yesterday was our 14th anniversary and I've been going through pictures for a project that was supposed to be posted on facebook for Troy.  I had talked myself into it, then out of it, then into it again.  I'm so tired of second guessing myself.  I have so many mixed feelings over this social networking stuff.  I want to be included, but it seems that I can't even fit in to my imaginary online life.  I'm so proud of my kids and my husband...but it seems that no one cares about my life.  I post...and only a couple comment.  Why does it matter that no one cares? Why does any of it matter? I'm 41 for pete's sake, I'm too old for all of this.  Troy posted about our anniversary and tagged me in the post...not even one of my friends commented or liked or anything...why does this cause so much stress for me.  I'm wondering if it's time to just unplug...

I had myself another mini breakdown this morning...I'm just a bit overwhelmed.  While sitting on the edge of the bed, I flipped through facebook on my kindle.  On a list of free kindle books was a book about children being born into heaven...a book about miscarriage.  My body flooded with emotions... February 10, 2000 was the due date for our baby that I miscarried in June 1999 at about 8 weeks.  I had taken several pregnancy tests and all of them were positive...we made the first appointment with the obgyn.  A few days before the appointment, I started bleeding at work.  I panicked a bit and got ahold of the doctors office to be seen earlier.  I ended up going to the emergency room...I had miscarried.  They immediately took me in for a D&C.  It all happened so fast...I was pregnant one day and the next I wasn't.  I have remembered the due date every year...this year, I let it pass and it didn't even cross my mind.  Troy said that it is true...time does heal.  I don't know if that is a  good thing or not...I don't ever want to forget.  Fortunately, I was able to get pregnant quickly and in May 2000, I gave birth to our youngest, Kyle, a pudgy little bald baby boy with fat little feet and fat toes that looked like they were balls of play dough .  He's grown into an awesome kid. Life can only get better.  In 2005, a few months after my grandpa died, I had a dream.  My dream was of my grandpa and he was holding a baby girl.  My pregnancy was too early to know what the sex of the baby was that died, but in my heart I believe that the baby grandpa was holding was mine...the dream was to let me know she was in the best hands ever.  One day, when I get to Heaven, I'll get to meet the baby.  Until then, I will carry on.