Roses

I stopped to smell the roses today...all of them!

And...things just keep getting worse

I had originally thought that Holly, one of our does, was mourning the loss of Bucky.  Unfortunately, I was wrong again.  At some point yesterday, she had given birth to twins.  I found them in the back of one of their shelters both still in the bags.  Her crying is for her babies...and I still can't help her... I'm pretty sure I'm nearing the limit of what I can handle today.

I've had better days...

I should have know yesterday was going to be a bad day.  The early morning hours seem to be the worst for me.  It's still dark, but not enough time until sunrise to go back to sleep.  I laid this morning running back through all the events of yesterday.  I was jerked from a deep sleep around 3:30am thinking I was dying.  My chest was tight and there was no air to breathe.  I tried to catch my breath but couldn't...I was having another panic attack.  After sitting up, my head was pounding and I couldn't quit crying.  Troy was asleep and had to be up for work in about half an hour.  For some reason, he never heard me.  Eventually the attack passed and I  tried to go back to sleep.  Troy's alarm went off and I think he hit snooze 3 or 4 times before I told him it was after 4.  Since I was awake anyway, he got pancakes before heading to work...probably something I need to do more often for him.  He headed off to work around 5am. I went back to bed.

Within a few minutes, I could hear thunder off behind the house.  After one loud clap, Rudy, bolted from the floor to my pillow and plastered himself to my side.  He trembled for over an hour and a half.  He finally made his way to the foot of the bed and laid down between my feet.  I covered us both up and he calmed down.  We've only had him about 8 or 9 months and had no idea he was that scared of storms. He showed up at our house last summer so skinny you could probably count his bones...every one of them, so we don't know his background.  He's healthy now and has moved to spending most of his time in the house. The next thing I know, it's 9.  I get up and do the whole dogs out, dogs in routine and feed the goats and chickens.  

They just barely had enough time to finish up when another downpour started.  I looked out to see Bucky one of our wethers standing in the rain.  Goats HATE rain.  I went out and moved him to the other part of the yard thinking that the other goats had booted him out of shelter.  I was wrong.  He was acting strange, pulling his head back and staring like he was in a trance.  He had been his normal self, nearly knocking me over for feed, just a short time earlier.  Of course I panic.  I got a hold of Troy during his break at 11:30 and he called to get us into the vet up the road.  Zack had slept in this morning.  I had to wake him up for help.  All this time, Kyle is taking towels out to dry Bucky off.  Bucky had collapsed by now and was laying in the mud, stiffening out often in pain.  We managed to get him in the bed of the truck and went to wait at the vet's office.  Bucky's urinary tract was blocked and he was unable to empty his bladder.  After trying multiple times to make a quick snip to allow it to drain, the vet made a call to another veterinarian.  She came back and told us the only option was a 4 hour trip to the University of Missouri Veterinary hospital for surgery.  But, she didn't think that Bucky would survive the trip there.  I made the decision to have him put to sleep.  I've never had to make that choice, much less been there for the procedure.  I asked what would happen...she said she would hit a vein and administer the meds, then we would take him home to bury.  I cried. I couldn't help it.  His blockage was most likely caused by how we had been feeding them...too much grain.  I felt horrible.  All this time Zack never said anything.  I don't know what he was thinking or how he felt.  I asked what he wanted to do...he shrugged his shoulders.  The vet went to get the meds.  I loved on Bucky and told him I was sorry.  He had been given pain meds, but they weren't working well and he was in a lot of pain.  I watched as she put the needle in and hit the vein.  I put my hand on his face and rubbed his neck and watched his life slip away...and I cried.  I paid the bill and we drove home.  I parked under a shade tree, covered Bucky up and prayed for no more rain until Troy got home from work.  

Troy and Zack spent nearly 2 hours digging a spot for Bucky.  The other goats were nosey about what was going on.  I expected Ojai to have the most problems with Bucky being gone.  They had been together since they were small.  Ojai kept coming to the fence, but seemed ok.  It was one of our does, Holly, that searched for him.  She cried and went to each door of their shelters looking in for him.  When I went to bed, she was still pacing and crying...and I can't help her. 

On top of our very eventful day, Caitlyn isn't speaking to us because we wouldn't let her drive to see her boyfriend.  They are calling for more severe weather and we didn't feel it was safe for her to be on the road. At 17, she just doesn't see our side of things.  I'm sure she will eventually be ok, but I bet that during her conversation with her boyfriend we weren't talked about very nicely.  Maybe when she gets up today, she'll feel better. Doubtful, but I can always hope!

We are gearing up for more storms this morning, I'm praying for no tornados.  Over 100 were spotted yesterday to the west. It's 8am now, I'm going to nap a bit before they get here...

Reality...

Last night, while shopping for Easter supplies, I broke down and bought myself a new bra...I know, big deal...actually it is.  My hubby and I searched and searched for one through the bra filing system at Walmart.  It's no easy task.  Normally, I would buy one from some plus size clothing store.  My favorite store for bra shopping was destroyed in the tornado last year and I'm left to settle for one from the "normal" people racks.  Being "blessed" in that area has been more of a curse for me than anything.  While some smaller chested people try everything possible to make theirs appear larger, I seriously want mine smaller!  Aside from the pain of carrying around the extra weight, they just aren't what they are supposed to be...nice and firm and placed correctly on my body.  Unfortunately, after breast feeding 3 babies and all the ups and downs of weight gains and losses, mine seem to be more comfortable closer to the ground.  Finding a bra that lifts and supports everything is impossible.  I settled on one.  This morning for church, I wore the new bra.  It felt good, fit nearly right.  Looking down, it seems to have everything lifted close to where they are supposed to be.  Upon having Troy check things out before leaving for church, he claims everything looks good other than trying to smooth out a few wrinkles in the fabric.  I trust him.  I felt good, I tried to walk taller, I tried to look like I knew I looked better.  We went through church, and dinner at my parents house.  My sister took pictures of all us together.  Then the reality of the situation was clear.  After seeing the pictures, I didn't look any better.  And seeing the pictures didn't make me feel any better.  In fact, I felt worse.  And, compared to my sisters, I look worse.  So much for trying to feel good about myself.  It seems that the way I see myself and the way others see me are no where near the same.  I actually see myself better than I look in pictures...reality hurts.

Doctor's appointment.

This morning was my 6 month check up with my doctor.  I was switched to Wellbutrin to help with depression.  I had been on paxil but quit taking it on my own because of the weight gain.  Wellbutrin is supposed to not have the weight gain side effect.  We'll see.  I would really like to feel better about life in general.  The heart palpitations are still ok if I can tolerate them.  The next step is a beta blocker which he says will slow down my metabolism...we don't want that, so I'll tolerate them.  I had gained 5 lbs since my appointment 6 months ago.  I just don't understand...cut out most fast food, stop caffine completely and cut back on everything...and still gain.  I know more exercise may make things better, but sticking with it when I see no improvement is difficult.  The next appointment is in October and they will do blood work then...fun fun.