How are ya?

I took Troy to work this morning at 5am.  We needed cat food so I made an early morning stop at Walmart.  The cashier was having a difficult time at his register so our wait was unusually long for that time of day.  I was listening to the conversation going on behind me.  I'm assuming that the men knew each other.  I turned and glanced behind me.  I recognized the younger guy as someone I had went to school with, but I couldn't for the life of me remember his name.  He was talking to an older gentleman.  He asked how he was...the older gentleman's response was "good, it wouldn't do any good to be any other way." Hmmmm...good point!  I wonder if that realization was something he learned through his older years or something that he had believed his entire life.  I struggle everyday with being content.  Usually if I'm asked how I am, my "good" answer is just a lie. 

Depressed

After arguing for half the night with Troy last night, today is pretty depressing.  He says most of the issues between us are because I don't like myself.  He says how can anyone care about me if I don't care about me.  I say...I don't even have a clue what it feels like to care about myself.  It's sad.  I can't remember a time when I actually was content with who I was, what I looked like, what I had or what I was becoming.  I sat a couple of nights earlier trying to find just one thing that I could say that I liked about myself.  You know what the only thing was that I could come up with??  My ankles...yep...ankles.  I would love to feel what it is like to really and truthfully not care about what others thought about me, to be honestly happy with who I have become, and to be able to let go and be who I am.  I just don't know who that is...

Turning 40

In only 3 short weeks, I'll be turning 40.  I really didn't used to think it was a big deal...so what...it's just a number.  I think it's harder this year, because it's always been "we'll" be turning...what ever age it may be.  This year, my twin moved 1400 miles away...so I'll be turning 40...alone...  I've been really reflecting on my life, and have realized that I've not accomplished much of anything...I know, depressing.  Aside from being married and having 3 kids, I haven't developed as a person much past my high school years.  I'm still terrible in social situations, can't talk in public and still can't make a decision if my life depended on it.  I analyze everything to the point it can't be analyzed anymore.  All the things I thought I was in high school, have become a reality now.  While my sister got her degree and moved on with her life,  I was, and still am, too afraid of failure to complete anything.  Too afraid to take a risk. I work for my parents...it's a "safe" job for me.  I have become everything I never wanted to be.